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20 Thoughts That Every Hypochondriac Has Had

When you are a hypochondriac, whether self-diagnosed and dealing with mild worry or clinically diagnosed and persistently battling heightened concerns, life is rough. You can hardly go a day without assuming the worst and, when you aren’t quite concerned enough, you find yourself turning to WebMD to really reinforce the fact that your death is imminent.

If you’ve ever worried that the eye twitch you had – you know, the one that lasted just two minutes – is the first sign of multiple sclerosis, you’ll appreciate this list of thoughts that every hypochondriac has had.

  1. Every headache is a brain tumor. Because you seem to get them a lot and you haven’t yet made the connection between your caffeine dependence and your throbbing forehead.
  2. Every migraine is a stroke. Because your head hurts so badly that you assume that you can’t communicate or lift your arm but you’re too busy hiding from the light to bother actually checking.
  3. Every stomachache is a ruptured organ. Because gas could not possibly hurt this badly.
  4. Every rash is a flesh-eating bacteria. Because we all saw that news story of that one time that someone got that.
  5. Every sneeze carries with it a call-out-of-work illness. Because you can’t eat anything that anyone else prepares ever again.
  6. Every airplane is a death trap. Because an airplane is obviously a tube made to circulate that most violent illnesses on the planet in one happy trip.
  7. Every pet scratch is the start of rabies. Because you’re fairly certain that you forgot to take your pet to the vet this year.
  8. Every lump is a cancer. Because, obviously.
  9. Every sip of sour milk will lead to the runs. Because eating sour stuff or mold or anything slightly askew in your fridge is reason enough to call in for a sick day.
  10. Every achy joint is debilitating arthritis. Because you’ll be in a wheelchair before you know it
  11. Every irritated eye is the start of blindness. Because it’s been three hours and you’re still dealing with watery allergy tears.
  12. Every achy tooth will require a root canal. Because there was that one time that you got your wisdom teeth out and everything went downhill.
  13. Every chest pain is a heart attack. Because heartburn isn’t enough for you.
  14. Every fever is Ebola. Because you’re pretty certain that you came in contact with a CDC worker on that cruise last week.
  15. Every cyst is an indication of an autoimmune disease. Because autoimmune diseases are practically impossible to diagnose. Duh.
  16. Every lower back pain is a kidney infection. Because pulling a muscle is for active people and browsing symptoms on the Internet doesn’t require a lot of movement.
  17. Every bloating episode is proof of pregnancy. Because you’re always probably pregnant.
  18. Every tick will give you Lyme disease. Because the alternative is Rocky Mountain spotted fever, and you probably have that, too.
  19. Every bug bite leads to a blood infection. Because there’s malaria and West Nile and everything else. It could be everything.
  20. Everything is going to make you die. Because you’re a ticking time bomb of disease.

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