Dyslexia is a bitch. A disorder that isn’t so bad that we get cute little helper animals but just bad enough that it makes modern life twice as difficult to function. Most dyslexics have figured out the tips and tricks to get around the pitfalls of contemporary living, but there are still a few things that trip us up and reduce us to blubbering grade schoolers:
1. Spell Check
You may believe that spell check was the savior of dyslexics, you’d be wrong. Spell check is a cruel joke designed to dangle the possibility of being able to spell and yanking it away when it’s within arms reach. Spell check only works if you have the word mostly right, and for most dyslexics this is a bar that will be forever too high to jump. You don’t know frustration like trying to spell the word “frustration” with (no spelling suggestions) coming up after each unsuccessful attempt. Keep mocking me Word, one day I’ll have my revenge.
They’re basically pictures of colorful spaghetti that has been labeled with teeny tiny writing. Pointless.
Filling out a form takes roughly 18 times longer than the average non-dyslexic. To a dyslexic’s eye even the most basic document looks like incomprehensible list written partly in Swahili and the rest in rudimentary hieroglyphics. Like a perplexing magic eye, the longer you stare at it the less it seems to make sense. After 30 minutes you’ve successfully managed to write your name and address at the top and then 15 minutes later you figure out you weren’t supposed to write in that box. At this point, with tears of frustration in your eyes you screw up the form, throw it in the face of the nearest employee and storm out the goddamn DMV. “I didn’t want to drive anyway”, you tell yourself at the bus stop, man-sniffles running down your face.
4. The word Dyslexic
In much the same way “lisp” was designed to fuck with people that have speech impediments, the word “dyslexic” was created by a man that liked kicking people when they were down. An illogical mess of letters designed to confuse the ever-loving shit out of the very people that have a huge problem with words spelt illogically and messily. Fuck you man; you know exactly what you did.
Any word that is above three syllables will be spelt wrong and auto-corrected to something part amusing part horrendously embarrassing. Chances are we will send the text without noticing, but if we do glance over our message before we click send we’ll spend the next 20 minutes trying in vain to figure how to spell the term properly. Eventually we’ll give up and input our own Frankenstein version of the word, and this is why we have 12 incorrectly spelled versions of “drunkenness” saved on our cell phones.
6. Reading out loud.
You’re instructed to read out a memo at a meeting. You haven’t glanced over it previously. It’s too late to summarize. You’re going to have to read it word for word. A cold sweat breaks out on your forehead. The PTSD kicks in. Flashbacks to grade school invade your thoughts. You stumble over the intro. The boss is staring. It’s Charlottes Web all over again. This is why you have desk whiskey.
Most of your friends have now realized that if they want an event to go smoothly you should not be allowed to be anywhere near the planning stages. If you tried to organize a piss up in a brewery you’d forget to send the invitations, get lost on the way, get distracted by something shiny, try to text people to tell them your predicament, your phone would run out of battery and eventually you’d be found in a bar next to the brewery with no idea where you are and how you got there.