For so long, anxiety has never been a part of myself I wore with pride. Throughout my life it came knocking at inconvenient times. It was the whispers of things I’ve forgotten. It was the thoughts that diminished sleep. It was the overanalyzing of situations. It was never being able to turn my mind off, as thoughts constantly raced from one thing to the next.
You worry too much, I’d hear in a repetitive chorus. But there was no changing it. I had to learn to live with it.
IT’S THE CONSTANT TO DO LIST, THAT NEVER ENDS IN YOUR MIND…
Like when you’re in the car, or about to fall asleep, what better time to think of all those things you have to do.
The concept of relaxing, is something that needs to be penciled into your life. Even that gets put on the back burner.
It’s mastering the art of multitasking.
It’s accomplishing everything you have to, then quickly moving onto the next thing.
BUT YOU DO EVERYTHING WITH THE BEST INTENSIONS.
Most the time you wish you could be in three places at once. In your best attempt to make everyone happy, you run from one thing to the next, without catching a breathe.
And even in states of exhaustion and lack of sleep, people know they can rely on you for things.
But, you’d be lying if you said it doesn’t take a toll on you.
IT’S WORRYING IF SOMEONE IS MAD AT YOU…
And you run over every possible scenario of something you could have said or done wrong. Everything little thing comes to mind and it only makes you worry more.
You know it’s probably nothing, but you hope to hear from them soon, to reassure you, you are in fact overthinking this one….again.
AND WANTING TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE UP FOR IT.
You find yourself going out of your way for someone, because you think they’re mad. In reality, most the times, they don’t even know what you’re referring to. You laugh it off. But you know the mind has won again, in dictating your life.
IT’S STRESSING OVER GRADES AND PERFORMANCE ALL THE TIME…
Whether it’s school and grades or work; that anxiety sets in and that horrible word “what if” plays on repeat in your head. What if you fail? What if you get fired? People with anxiety don’t settle for average. They’ll kill themselves to be the best. Success is never an option, but vital to your every day life.
BUT REALLY YOU JUST WANT THAT PEACE OF MIND KNOWING YOU DID YOUR BEST.
And even if it means jumping through hoops of fire blind folded, if that’s what it takes to accomplish the task, you’ll do it. It isn’t that you’re crazy, you just have goals, even if some of unrealistic, you’ll at least try.
IT’S SHOWING UP ON TIME TO EVERYTHING…
Whether it’s practice, class, work or meetings, not only do you show up on time, you show up early and first.
It’s the stress of being in your car, as you wait at a red light. It’s constantly looking at the clock. It’s the running out the door with a million things in your hand.
You know being late isn’t the end of the world, you just would rather not be.
BECAUSE IT’S A SIGN OF DISRESPECT, TO KEEP SOMEONE WAITING.
Your friends grow concerned if you’re late to something and wonder did something happen to you?
While some people operate showing up late to things, you like being punctual. It gives you structure in life.
IT’S CREATING CATOPTRIC SITUATIONS IN YOUR MIND…
People with anxiety live in two worlds, the real world and the world we create in our heads.
In the world inside your heads, there’s one motto you live by:everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
You watch a reel of images go from bad to worse. You have to remind yourself it hasn’t happened…even if it could.
EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IT’S UNREALISTIC.
Your friends tell you not to worry so much, and you really wish you could.
Anxiety isn’t something anyone would choose. The restless nights, the overanalyzing of words said and events played out. It’s dating being the most difficult thing in the entire world. Not because you can’t be yourself, but you’re so aware of who you are, you sensor part of it. It’s waiting by the phone and the thoughts if you don’t hear from them. It’s actually being in a relationship and trying to get that person to understand, what’s going on inside your head.
It’s the friends and family who provide a support system for you. Despite how much you worry, they know you have the best intensions at heart.
It’s living with it, knowing you can’t actually change who you are. It’s accepting it. It’s taking pride in it. It’s learning to live your life, despite these situations you find yourself in.
While living with anxiety is partially a burden, I have much success behind my name, as a result of it.